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Zach...

Dec. 17th, 2012 | 01:46 am

What the fuck am I doing here? Why do I allow him to have this hold over me? I should go home, but I can't. Im drunk and tired and weak... I feel like I need him but I know I don't. I can't tell him no. I love him, but I know I dont matter to him.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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when its right its right

Oct. 10th, 2010 | 04:02 pm

I like to read my horoscope for shits and giggles, but todays is just wow, hits the nail right on the head.

There is a greater than usual interest in relationships, social connections and the arts--on a more intellectual level than in the past, most likely. A dreamy manner or appearance, plus the ability to enchant others, finds this a time when mysticism and idealism seem to really be living in you. Harmonious ties to others are what you yearn for; refinement and elegance are what you seek. The ideal partnership, the perfect balance and the highest standards of truth and beauty are some of the things that quicken your pulse. Close relationships offer a lot of potential for growth and good fortune. A marriage or other partnership can raise high hopes and give your spirits a boost. People close to you are optimistic and have good input and attitudes.

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Justin fucking miller

Oct. 2nd, 2010 | 08:17 pm
mood: ditzy ditzy

So this boy that ive been secretly in love with for like a million years (Justin Miller) Has told me on facebook in front of everyone (so to speak) that hes got a thing for me!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes that was totally called for.

Ive liked this boy since I was 5 years old and went to church with him and his mom. I am totally running around the house giddy as fuck haha. so heres how its gone so far
    • Kimberly Ann how is it complicated??
      2 hours ago ·
    • Karah Harvey he doesnt put anything into the relationship, hes more worried about the newest video game release, and im tired of playing mommy to a 23 year old. If I wanted to be a mother id get pregnant
      2 hours ago ·
    • Kimberly Ann no shit right. lol kick his ass to the curb and get a man that will worship you and love you for who u are and actually care about you.
      2 hours ago ·
    • Karah Harvey I cant right now. mr irresponsible has accrued debt in my name and his ass is gonna pay it off.
      2 hours ago ·
    • Kimberly Ann get him girl get him!!! just who does he think he is?? need ian and his buddies to kick his ass?? lol
      2 hours ago ·
    • Karah Harvey nah imma big girl, my momma taught me to take care of myself. haha even Ian is scared of my mom
      about an hour ago ·
    • Kimberly Ann lmao. nice. i like ur ma shes cool.
      about an hour ago ·
    • Karah Harvey Yeah shes a crazy ass lady, and Im proud to be her daughter. She shaped me into the crazy bitch I am today lol
      about an hour ago ·
    • Matt Fish sorry hun, kick his ass! Sucker punch him in the throat!
      about an hour ago ·
    • Justin Miller Tell mr. irresponsible that if he doesn't shape up you'll run away with me and sue him for the debt he owes. Then maybe he'll grow up a little :)
      54 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey damn id love to run away with you justin! where do I sign up?
      52 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller No need to sign up Karah, you're at the front of the line
      51 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller You had me at stud :)
      51 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey well just bein honest, ive had the hotts for you since I was little.
      43 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller Really? That's funny. I've had the hotts for you the last couple of months.
      42 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey well better late than never ;)
      42 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller Well it would have been a bit weird if I had before since I think I'm about 3 years older than you right?
      41 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey eh something like that, i think you graduated my freshman year. I dont blame you for not having the hotts for me then i was a little freak lol
      40 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller You weren't a freak. You were always pretty. But back then I was in to older girls. I dated a senior when I was a freshman until her first year of college. Then for the rest of HS I think I only dated one girl younger than me and she was only a grade down.
      37 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey Yeah I was always into older guys. and I was gaga over Blink being your favorite band
      32 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller They are amazing! Tom is my freaking idol, and the greatest guy to meet and hang out with. I am so glad he wasn't a dick when i met him.
      31 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller So when you dump that zero, give me a call :)
      30 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey Yeah, he is amazing. I saw them the summer after 7th grade, and it totally rocked my socks
      29 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey I would but I dont have your number ;) Plus dont you live on the other side of the country? or are you moving back here to AZ?
      28 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller I'm moving back on Thursday.
      27 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller Ian Blong is flying out here on Thursday and we're driving my car back.
      26 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey wow, what part of AZ are you moving to?
      25 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller Buckeye. Just outside of Phoenix
      25 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey ROADTRIP!!! well that is once i get my car fixed lol
      23 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller Definitely! I'm getting another band going again, so you'll have to come out to one of our shows in the next couple of months.
      22 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey I would SSSOOOO love to do that!
      21 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller You can check out some of my music from my old band at myspace.com/theundecidedaz
      20 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey i'll check it out ^_^ so what are you doing on facebook on a friday night? shouldnt you be out doing stuff and things?
      18 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller Na. My last weekend in florida is family time. It's 11 here though so pretty much everyone's in bed now. I'll save the going out and doing things for the road trip and partying with my friends when I get back to AZ. What about you? You're young, you should be out having a good time.
      16 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey My friends are all out doing stuff on 4th ave and Congress, but because I live on a different side of town no one wants to come get me while my car is out of comission... So im stuck at home
      13 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller That sucks! I'd come get you. Maybe I'll swing down to Tucson one weekend to hang out if you're guy doesn't get jealous.
      10 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey that would mean he would have to get off the computer. He knows that things arent working out and Im just biding my time till im done with school. I would love to hang out ^_^
      9 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller Cool. Sounds like a plan then. I'll come to Tucson so you can show me around. And you can come to PHX so I can take you out and go to a show or two.
      8 minutes ago ·
    • Karah Harvey sounds like a plan! You totally made my night ^_^
      7 minutes ago ·
    • Justin Miller And you made mine :)
      6 minutes ago ·

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(no subject)

Sep. 28th, 2010 | 06:47 pm

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)

day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy


rotten little zander in kitten form lol

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(no subject)

Sep. 27th, 2010 | 01:57 pm

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby

day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy




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(no subject)

Sep. 26th, 2010 | 09:22 pm

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby

day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy

This is the oldest picture I have of myself when i was little so it'll do.

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(no subject)

Sep. 25th, 2010 | 10:03 am

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band

day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy



Mom aunt mare and maxx...2 and a half of my favorite family members

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(no subject)

Sep. 23rd, 2010 | 03:45 pm

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band

day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy


I like a lot of bands, but I have to say MCR has got to be my favorite

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(no subject)

Sep. 22nd, 2010 | 10:55 pm

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love

day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy



My Uncle John. He seems scary and formidable... but hes the best guy ive ever known

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(no subject)

Sep. 21st, 2010 | 03:33 pm

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh

day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy



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(no subject)

Sep. 20th, 2010 | 12:01 pm

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you

day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy


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(no subject)

Sep. 19th, 2010 | 11:19 am

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday

day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy



wow I havent gone on vacation since feb 2006. This is mew and maxx at disneyland

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(no subject)

Sep. 18th, 2010 | 11:16 am

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy

day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy




squirrels have always put a smile on my face ^_^


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(no subject)

Sep. 17th, 2010 | 12:11 pm
mood: amused amused

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago

day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy

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guess imma copy lametard

Sep. 16th, 2010 | 11:31 pm
mood: bored bored

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favorite band
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favorite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favorite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy


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mmmm

Aug. 26th, 2010 | 11:19 pm
mood: ecstatic ecstatic

JUST HAD THE BEST SEX EVAR!!!! Damn worht the wait, but I hope he doesnt make me wait that long again... OMFG was AMAZING!!!

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Last Resort

Aug. 4th, 2010 | 08:46 pm
mood: depressed depressed

Im so tired of constantly being runner up for everyone. Chris is always wanting to be with nasty-whore-face; Sasha is always with some new guy; Jordan always wants shannan; Gio, well id rather not be his top priority, so im not too mad that hes always at chris' place; Matt is always on the comp or xbox; Every time I call Chaz he is always busy, hell even when I call my mom shes too busy to talk to me; Fuck even Maxx would rather stay at home by himself instead of come hang out with me, and hes 12. Its really fucking depressing. Im so tired of constantly being runner-up to someone/something. Why cant I ever be the focus of someones world, their guiding light, their happy thought, their first person to go for fun or advice. But I never am. I feel so lonely and second rate. Plus my meds aren't working for me, they are making me more depressed, irritable, and fidgety. :( what am I doing wrong?

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(no subject)

Jul. 18th, 2010 | 12:41 pm

So I had a nervous breakdown, quit my job, and have completely lost my appetite. I have an appt tomorrow at 830 for a psych eval and meds, oh yay but i really do need to get on meds again. Ive decided I need to come up with a daily plan for myself. lets see how long i can stick with it.

wake up at 7am (m-f)9am(sat and sun)
eat somewhat healthy breakfast (cereal oatmeal or eggs)
go to class (m-f) clean house/chores(sat&sun)
have lunch around 12-1230 (sandwich or something light)
Swim or exercise
do homework
shower
read outside
make dinner
go to bed around 11 (sun-thurs)

I need to work on my health, mentally and physically. Im going to try to take in a few more cals because i feel so weak and listless. So ill go for 1000 a day and see how that works.

well its time for lunch, then maybe go to the old house and get some stuff. then go swimming I think.

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Writer's Block: Say cheese

Jun. 6th, 2010 | 12:07 am

Do you generally like or hate when people take photos of you? Do you feel anxious when friends post pictures of you online? Is your first inclination to link to them or hide them?

I honestly couldnt care less

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(no subject)

Jun. 5th, 2010 | 11:27 pm

My body is slow and sluggish thanks to the alcohol, but my mind is racing... I asked matt the other night why he was with me, like how did i get past all his filters while Jordan who has all the same issues does not. He said its because the way I look. So if I were to gain weight would he just up and leave? Hes says its cause im not annoying with my needs like she is, but she is more okay with letting her emotions show than I am, I feel that my emotions make me weak, vulnerable. but hoe do i know that he really loves me for me? not because of my pant size. Yeah im most likely to stay thinish because of ANA but what if I got over it, what if I recovered from it and became healthy for my body type? then id be 130ish pounds and not be able to fit into anything i own... maybe its just because im drunk, but i feel so pathetic and worthless right now...

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(no subject)

May. 31st, 2010 | 01:08 pm

I'm hungry, I really am, but every time I so much as smell food it totally disgusts me. Like I was starving last night and once it was time to actually eat I got really hot, my stomach cramped up, and I felt nauseated. Doesn't matter what it is either. Could be a small salad or fucking fried chicken, and I still cant eat it. I choked down some scrambled eggs this morning but I feel like I'm going to puke. I can handle drinking just fine, water, juice, coffee, whatever. but as soon as I try to eat something I feel horribly nauseated and hot.

None of my friends like Matt. Matt doesn't like any of my friends. Everyone tells me I should leave him. That I'm not fun with him around. But no one has thought that maybe I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to be party girl, I don't want to be the girl that has all the answers, I don't want to be the girl everyone wants to be around. I'm tired, I'm anxious, I'm uncomfortable. Sure I hate being alone, but that doesn't mean I want to be surrounded by people. Maybe I'm happy being the hermit girl that stays at home with her cats. Sure there are things that Matt doesn't like me doing, but if I really want to do it then he wouldn't stop me. I'm not that crazy wild girl anymore, but everyone expects me to be the girl I used to be. Sure I still have that fuck you attitude and I'll do most anything for my friends, but I don't like to go out, I don't like to be around people, and this facade I have to put up when I'm around people is wearing me ragged to be quite honest. They have no idea how much effort it takes to be THAT girl. To care how I look, to say just the right things to the right people, I don't want to be her anymore.

I want to be the girl Matt knows. The girl I am now. Sure I'm quiet, timid and no fun. But that's what I want. Matt doesn't care if I sit in my pajamas all day. Matt knows I don't feel comfortable being around people, Matt knows how to make me feel better when I feel like everything is falling apart. I can talk to Matt about anything, and though he may not agree with whatever, I know hes there and will love me anyways.

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(no subject)

May. 29th, 2010 | 05:23 pm
mood: cynical cynical

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Moderate
Schizoid:Low
Schizotypal:High
Antisocial:Moderate
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:High
Narcissistic:Low
Avoidant:High
Dependent:High
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Information --



I know im crazy, but it really sucks seeing it all down on paper... er computer screen

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(no subject)

May. 14th, 2010 | 02:59 pm
mood: FURIOUS FURIOUS

So i go to the gyno today. She asks me why im there since i was supposed to have a follow up colposcopy. I told her the office scheduled me to see her since the other doctor only has appointments before 12 and i have school. She asked what the colp was for and I told her that they said it was for BV (bacterial vaginosis). She looks confused and goes and reads over my chart. my chart said I had HPV. How the fuck do you get those mixed up? I was even fucking treated for BV, i was given antibiotics for it and everything. So instead of an infection that i didnt have any symptoms for I finally find out 7 months later that I have HPV. Since it wasnt treated I might have fucking cervical cancer. How does one fuck up so hard? I knew that fucking slurpy bastard was a tard.

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(no subject)

Apr. 21st, 2010 | 10:17 pm
location: Home
mood: Discouraged

I started school last Tuesday (the 13th). My classmates are fucking idiots, I cant even begin to describe the depth of it. I am amazed every day with the new level of idiocy they bring to the table.
Relationship wise things are going pretty good. Matt and I have been talking about marriage. Hes been getting better about the WoW bs.
Im back up to 115lbs and i feel horrible, but i cant stop eating because im stressed out.
Zander is totally fucking awesome, keeps a smile on my face even when things are full of suck.
speaking of suck, work is still awful, but it pays the bills. Fuck i cant wait to be done with school and get a job i actually want to do.
Friend wise i feel like no on notices im here until they need a shoulder to cry on or they have nothing better to do.
I not my bf's first priority, im not my family's first priority, im not my friends first priority, hell even my cats play with each other before having anything to do with me... I feel so minuscule and unimportant...

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nice tits

Apr. 8th, 2010 | 09:34 pm
mood: distressed distressed

So I get home, give kitten his new food and then go to check my email. i click inbox not realizing that its matts email. I see that he sent himself a picture. I open it thinking its this funny racist picture and instead its some girls tits. I freak out and text him, not being bitchy but just like whats this picture? i said "nice tits who's are they?" and then he accuses me of snooping through his shit. It actually was all on accident believe it or not. He said it was a forward from that fat drug addict fuck i cant stand. but why would he save the picture? they were ugly tits, saggy and huge pepperoni nipples, uneven and they looked like cockeyed googly eyes.

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(no subject)

Mar. 25th, 2010 | 10:29 pm
mood: angry angry

i hate that game... i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it!!!!!!!!!!! If he spent a quarter of the amount of time he spends on there with me i wouldnt be such a bitch. thats 3 of 12 hours a day he spends on that fucking game. is that so much to ask? he cant even sit with me 30 mins for dinner.

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tarot

Mar. 23rd, 2010 | 11:31 pm
mood: awake awake

so i did a tarot reading for myself last night. i pulled 10 cards...
it said i need to let my creative side out, to not hide it. to stop procrastinating. taht my creativity is going to take me somewhere. i just need to concentrate. it will open me up to something new, a new begining or something. that i need to have some self sacrifice. but hell i have no social life, no sex life thanks to wow, and i dont go anywhere or do anything, so what am i supposed to sacrifice? i get all these awesome amazing idea when im lying awake at night, but as soon as i go to write it all down it goes blah and ajfh;asdjfha. so how the hell am i supposed to do it?

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(no subject)

Mar. 23rd, 2010 | 06:25 pm
mood: disappointed disappointed

I feel so enraged, frustrated, hopeless, tired, sad, etc. a huge mixed sea of emotions that keep battering me. I mean seriously Matt and I just got into an argument over dinner, we dont ever argue, especially over menial shit like that. I feel this pent up rage inside of me, and I cant make it go away. and I am totally dreading my upcoming birthday. EVERY single birthday after my 5th birthday has been balls deep in suck.

6th-moved and didn't have a party cause i didn't know anyone.
7th- was allowed to have a party but no one came because my friends weren't allowed to be at the lesbians house
8th- it was easter, so no party, and marj made me choose between easter and birthday. I didnt get to choose, marj chose easter
9th- had friends come over, and then marj came home drunk and high and made a total ass of herself and then no one was ever allowed to come over afterwards
10th- mom and marj fought the whole time, and only sasha was allowed over, where her dad and marj got drunk and took off and so our moms went off looking for them and we spent the evening with a babysitter. birthday was forgotten
11th- mom left marj and was with johnathan. none of my friends liked eachother, the pool was closed and the suburban broke down in the snow, then i was told that i would by my step brother that daddy (johnathan) didnt really love me he just pretended to
12th- i cant even remember my 12th birthday
13- I had several friends over, they ended up fighting, breaking my nintendo 64, and then they all had to leave because marj was tired of them
14- I spent it with my parents at pizza hut while they fought about letting me get powerpuff girls on my cake, marj said i was childish and pathetic
15- I spent it in tucson, where it was overshadowed by maxx graduating kindergarten and the people who remembered got me a cake with my name spelled wrong
16- i was supposed to have a huge party with all my friends. everyone bailed and i spent it with tyra watching a lame movie while marj bitched about having to pay for the movie and i needed to get a job.
17-i dont remember my 17th birthday
18- was supposed to have a huge party. mom even rented out the community center for me, everyone bailed, even my bf of the time.
19- went to flag to spend it with chris, that was great till i got home and marj was in the living room telling me how i make her life miserable and she had a gun to her head
20- was living in tucson, bf at the time bailed on me, cheated on me, and i spent my birthday by myself at epic cafe. only good part about that shitty day was meeting chaz
and well here comes 21. im not looking forward to it, and im not planning anything, because honestly who is gonna actually show up? why get my hopes up like i did all those other years?

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(no subject)

Mar. 13th, 2010 | 12:50 am
mood: apathetic apathetic

So much is going wrong with so many people as of late. My ED girls are all having a rough time. My best girl friends' mom is in the hospital and is deathly ill. My first love is really depressed and is getting shipped to iraq in sept. Chaz is really depressed and having trust issues. Aaron is talking to me about regrets and what ifs. Matt might get fired from work due to his bipolar disorder. Marj, the total fucking bitch that she is, is having a ton of health issues and may have to go under the knife. My mom is really strapped for cash, and could lose her house.. Its my job to be there for everyone, and its hard when everyone is having issues at the same time. I cant go to mesa to be with jordan, and her damn phone is shut off thanks to the hambeast. I cant go to Andre, hes in idaho and im with matt. Im trying to be there for Cheesy Toast, but our work/school schedules make it super hard. I try to talk to Aaron, but hes usually drunk and just tells me how he wishes he never left me or hurt me. I do my best to be there for Matt but he wont open up to me, I cant understand what his problems are if I dont know what caused them. And I cant go up to concho to be there for Marj or to help my mom out and I barely make enough to pay my bills let alone try to help my mom out. Im sorry I cant do more, i really am. I love you all and wish the best for you all... I just cant make miracles happen. I cant make people better, i cant bring people back from the dead, i cant undo mistakes, i cant take away regrets. I am here for moral support though, I always will be.

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(no subject)

Mar. 3rd, 2010 | 11:49 am

Well I jumped on the bandwagon and decided to make a formspring too... so heres me http://www.formspring.me/karhmia07

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(no subject)

Feb. 16th, 2010 | 11:49 pm
mood: restless restless

The last few hours I've been re-living my past. I didn't take anything or do anything for it to happen, it just started. can a person really be in love with multiple people at a time? Scott Kott things with him were like wildfire, hot, intense, and short lived but he made me feel so alive. Scott Pierce he could always make things fun, even if we were just going to the grocery store, but that had to end because I'm crazy. Chris Johnson Ive never been more comfortable with anyone, never been so open with someone, but that just didn't work for us, we are two different types of crazy that don't mix in a relationship. Michael Elders the romantic rocker/emo guy, i was devastated when his dad sent him to OK, but every morning he would call me to tell me good morning and to sing to me, but I cant do long distance I'm too insecure. Aaron McBride everything with him was so intense, the sex, the parties, the lies, the drugs, its what made me stay as long as i did and what made me finally leave. And now there is Matt Harrell, hes sweet, funny, dorky, and completely ignorant when it comes to my needs. Does a guy with all the good qualities that I love(d) about these guys even exist? I mean if Matt could be a little more compassionate and step away from the key board once in a while it'd be perfect. Well and grow some balls when it comes to his brother, his brother walks all over him like a door mat and disrespects me like no other. But there i go losing my train of thought in the tunnel again.
All of the memories of my past lovers has been washing over me like a storm in the middle of the ocean. Hell I even started texting Aaron and Michael and Chris, well Chris and i talk all the time so that's besides the point.

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YAY

Feb. 14th, 2010 | 06:28 pm
mood: accomplished accomplished

So after a week of sticking very strict to the 800 calories, Ive lost 3 pounds! 14 more to go! I just have to get over the holiday hub-bub, and hopefully not put it all back on since Matt is taking me to my big fat greek restaurant. Just what i need, big and fat. hopefully i can get a greek salad and get away with that. I bought myself a new dress for today though, i usually never get anything with yellow, but i really liked this dress and i paid like a whole 3 bucks for it. I wish I had bigger boobs though. Mine never fill out the shirt/dress/blouse that im wearing. If i get a small its too tight everywhere else, and if i get a medium it fits everywhere but my boobs, its all saggy and horrible looking. Fuck i wish i had and extra 5k just lying around. well happy valentines ladies!

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shoes

Feb. 12th, 2010 | 01:16 pm
mood: ditzy ditzy

OMG my crocs should be ehre soon! like late today or tomorrow! so fucking excited! I<3 new shoes. they are just what i need to make my week better. Red and Black plaid yummy! AAANNNDDD my new glasses should be in soon too!


arent these just amazing! I cant wait to get them!
Tags: ,

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miss kitteh

Feb. 10th, 2010 | 03:03 pm
mood: dorky dorky

This is miss Jaina, my new addition. She is a love, but very feisty. She refused to be shut in the bedroom, she insisted on having the run of the house as soon as i got her home. and she has a mustache ^_^
she didnt want to sit still for a picture, so i had to hold her still, she was not pleased.


and this is her and toki at the local food bowl
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(no subject)

Feb. 7th, 2010 | 03:22 pm
mood: crushed crushed

I was so excited when Matt said I could get a kitty for valentines day. I wanted to get a kitten, but when I went to the shelter I found this amazing beautiful sweet 3 year old kitty. I fell in love right away, and I took him home. He just wanted to be pet and loved all the time. Yesterday I noticed something was wrong, he kept trying to go potty but couldnt and whenever he tried he would cry in pain. I took him to the emergency vet last night, and they said he had a urinary tract disease, and that it can be treated but it wont go away and he will keep getting sick. The whole time he was purring and wanting me to pet him. Even in so much pain he just wanted to love me. I called the shelter he came from, and they said they would take him back but I would most likely never see him again. But I couldnt afford the treatment for him, the doctor was really nice and did some stuff under the table to make him more comfortable and not hurt. So I brought him to the shelter today, and now I feel like shit. I abandoned him, when I promised him I would be his forever home. The shelter told me I could get a refund from the adoption or go and pick out a different cat. I spent an hour in there looking at cats, and I did finally find a little girl with a mustache. But I cant just forget about him...
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*random bitching*

Feb. 3rd, 2010 | 12:43 pm
mood: nervous nervous

Well I go at 2 today to start my "help" process. I'm not looking forward to it. I wanted to cut so bad last night. Matt and I got into a fight. I was mad cause he spent all fucking day, the one day a week that i actually get to spend with him, playing WoW. I was laying in our room and he came in to see what was wrong. I told him that he knew exactly why i was mad. he said he was going to do what he enjoyed and that i could stay in the room and be mad all i wanted. So i got up got dressed and left. I went to the park at like 7 at night, and Matt freaked out hes always worried that something is going to happen to me when i go somewhere by myself. If only he knew how by myself i really was. I'm back at 117lbs, I've lost 8lbs yay! but its still not good enough. I'm nervous about today I don't want to go. I don't want to be analyzed, I don't want to be poked and prodded, I know I'm not okay.

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for the greater good

Jan. 31st, 2010 | 10:19 pm

I am going to do my best to get myself in the mindset to go back to school. I want to do phlebotamy. It will only take 11-13 weeks, so i dont think my attention span will go out on me in that short amount of time. And a lot of it is hands on training, not copy-pasta from a work book. I can do this, I will do this... I hope. I am so tired of working retail, so this will be a good change for me, I mean i really hate school, and meeting/dealing with new people but it'll be for the greater good right?
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masochistic me

Jan. 28th, 2010 | 07:28 pm
mood: crushed crushed

I know I shouldnt have... but I did it anyways. I searched mysepace for HIM. I know he used to have an account. Well he still does and he has pictures of his car on it. I want to write him so bad, how I hate him for what he did to me, how I can never really hate him because its him. Im trying not to cry, and I feel like I'm going to puke. I cant breathe. So many memories has come crashing into my head, I feel like im going to burst, like my chest is going to explode.
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so tired

Jan. 23rd, 2010 | 11:56 am
mood: scared scared

Im giving in, i just cant do it anymore. I have to get help. Sad thing how now im reaching out to get help, and well apparently people dont have mental break downs on the weekends or after 5 pm. I could call a crisis center, but imn not really in crisis... or at least what i think is crisis. Im not trying or wanting to kill myself, i havent stuck my roommate in the oven, and i havent done anything detrimental to myself in days. I just cant breathe, i cant think, i dont remember what day it is. I cant stop crying. I could hardly speak when matt asked what was wrong. I could barely whisper "i need help" through all the sobbing. I disgust myself. Im supposed to be the strong one, the one who takes care of everyone. How can i do that if i cant take care of myself? Im so exhausted, i just want to sleep and never wake up, not like dying, just sleep until i cant sleep anymore. I feel like i could sleep for days. Im so scared that ill be put on meds that will make me either an emotionless shell of a person, or agressive and mean, or just more fucked up than i already am. Ive had all these side effects before, and i just dont know what to do... I know i cant do this on my own anymore... but help is scary...

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my hands have stopped shaking and my head has cleared

Jan. 14th, 2010 | 11:27 pm
mood: nervous nervous

Well there go damn near 10 months down the drain. But i feel better i feel relieved. Like i just let out a breath that i had been holding for so long. I cut again... I just couldnt take the stress the tension the depression i couldnt take it anymore. I feel better, but also regretful, because i know that I now have to tell Matt. I know its going to hurt/upset him. Why cant anyone get it when they are on the outside looking in?

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