Karah's Ramblings

So Dr. Dryden's office called me today. I've set up a consultation appointment for this coming Tuesday! And then im going to go to the seminar that they are having on Jan 13th. I am really looking forward to this! this is really the only way for me to have bigger boobs, pills dont work (tried it) and every woman in my biological family has popped out at least 3 kids and still has small boobs, so thats not gonna work. Matt is gonna try to go to work later that day so he can come with me, I really hope he can.

So I am really considering getting implants. Ive been emailing the administrations lady at the plastic surgery center here in tucson, and hopefully I will have a consultation soon. I dont want those huge flotation devices some chics call boobs, I want a nice full D cup. Ive done all the suggested at home stuff to decide what you want. I think 495 cc's should be more than enough, prob a little less taking my own boob size into account. All I really need to do is see if i like this doctor and his work, and then save up for it, unless I can make payments. I think most places want the money up front though :( sucks having a tiny-bit-more-than-minimum-wage job. I wish I had one of those jobs where I made buku bucks, or very rich generous friends. Unfortunately for my boobs sake I have very awesome but poor friends. I want big sexy boobs, but not freakishly huge boobs. I like the ones these girls have

i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and not stop until my voice gives out. Today is one of those days. Im so tired of the lack of respect in MY house. Matt cracks jokes at my expense just to make chris laugh. I ask chris to do something, and 3 days later im the one doing it while he just sits there on the couch watching me. I cook, I clean, and I fucking go to work. First thing when i walk in the door from work, its not hi honey, no how was your day karah, its whats for dinner? So i have to wash some dishes (so we can eat) wash the pots or pans (so dinner can be made) and then cook dinner. While they sit on the computer playing games. Like a give a fuck about the mods that you found for a game that doesnt need them. would it be too much to ask for a hand around the house? I asked chris over a week ago to vacuum the house. never happened, matt asked chris to vacuum 2 days ago, nothing happened. Finally today i go off on matt and he finally gets chris to get off his lazy ass (he slept in till noon!) and vacuum the house.

Just now, as i making dinner, i ask matt and chris if they got chris' isurance issue taken care of so he can get clearance to go on base for his new job (that i told him about) they were coming up with excuses why it hasnt been doneyet, i came up with answers to all te bullshit excuses. then chris has the nerve to turn to me and say, " you have an answer for everything dont you? when i grow up i want to be just like you" he said it in that mocking asshole tone too. I fucking do everything around here, and i cant even get a thanks from his ungreatful ass? no all he does is complain and mock me.
Then Chris asks me if i really get mad at stuff like what he just said... and my response was " I cook everything, i clean everything, AND go to work, so yeah i get a little perturbed by derogatory comments like that." his response? "well i vacuumed" UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so fucking furious. I want to cut so bad right now, to have some kind of release. masturbation doesnt work and sex doesnt happen, so im a little slim on options.

So its thanksgiving. I made a chicken and stuffing. And it all got horribly ruined i mean blackened to a crisp. So of course i was upset over it. But matt talked to me and agreed to go to my family's for dinner. Not looking forward to dealing with them but im fucking starving. Matt's brother was invited to come along too but of course hes being a little bitch about it. Matt and i both talked to him and said he should go and he cant give us a good reason why he cant come. he said well i can go somewhere else? really? where t your psychotic ex girlfriends house? HAHA as if, hes not welcome there. and he said himself he doesnt have any friends, so those options are out. And his mom doesnt want him there so thats out too... god forbid he should go somewhere where he was invited. Guess he doesnt want to go somewhere unless he has to sneak around to get in. This whole him being our "roommate" thing isnt working out, i cant wait for him to get money and gtfo.

So i broke down and cried the other night and talked to Matt about everything that was wrong. About how im never good enough for anyone no matter how hard i try. he held me close and said he didnt care what everyone else thought cause i was perfect for him. He wants me to confront my family issues, but i dunno about that. if it was as easy as just saying hey stop it dont you think id have done it already? So not looking forward to later today. Gotta go and see my grandfather who doesnt give two shits about me and then my scum bag aunt cindy and her heathen childen, and my mom and marj are coming over to my house and i know they are gonna give me shit about chris being here and that the house isnt perfectly clean that the litter box has 1 cat turd in it, that theres a sock on the floor, that my spice cabinet isnt in alphabetical order... whatever they can find to nitpick. I cant want for the damn holidays to be over!

so Thursday Matt's brother calls me and asks if 1Ican come get him in phoenix, and 2 if he can stay with us for an indefinate amount of time. Of course I say ye, cause when have I ever told anyone in need no? ugh like NIck and Amanda. Its gonna be that all over again i just know it. Then Matt and I get into it over milk again. he insists on getting a whole gallon and I tell him we wont use it. so after about the 8th time of pouring half a gallon of sour milk down the drain I tell him can we now get a half gallon since were wasiting more than were saving? He says yeah but now chris is here and he'll eat cereal all the time. Has chris even glanced at the cereal since he got here? no not even once. When i got up this morning he was eating fucking ice cream. then he says he doesnt even like cereal.

On another note, I went thursday to have my biopsy done, to see if i have the onset of cervical cancer. I go in the room is freezing, the doctor has a droolig problem and is constantly making a slurping noise, they take 3 good sized chunks off my cervix which was really painful, and then i get tol that someone will call me in 2 weeks with the results. I call into work that day because im in excruciating pain, and the bleeding wont stop. so i go through a box of tampons, and 4 pairs of panties in 2 days. no bleedng yet today thankfully, but i must have lost quite a lot of blood non stop bleeding for 4 days. and it wasnt like my period, it was like gushing out blood from an open wound. because i cant scab up very well because im anemic. To top all that off, every one i told that i was really worried about this, not one single person called texted, or even emailed me. the only person that was there was matt, and i had to beg him to go with me.

so ive been in a shit ton of pain, had my house taken up by someone else, been neglected by everyone when i need a little support, and I havent been able to sleep. bad dreams, tossing and turning, my body just hurting, Matt hogging all the blankets. And of course i cant vent on myspace cause then my mother will se and bitch me out for no fucking reason and tell me to leave matt and that i should go into he military or go to college. whos gonna pay for that college, her fucking chickens? Her worthless partner that hast had a job in 3 years out of sheer lazyness? yeah that'll happen. The world doesnt run on please and thank you mom, it runs on blow jobs and fucking people over. I dont like giving bj's and i'd have to be around people to fuck them over so not gonna happen.

so todays been my day off... ive been playing this game called Dragon Age Origins all day. its pretty fucking awesome. im actually enjoying playing it, unlike wow now a days. and once i actually decide to buy it instead of using my less than legal version i can play on the internet. that'll be awesome. its really gorey and has an awesome story line.

So lately ive felt like hell, not sick or achey or anything, just depressed. I feel like crying a lot lately, without triggers and i dunno whats up with it. I hate it and it makes me angry, which makes me more depressed because i cant control my emotions. So sasha's new boy toy left her for the mtn slut kellie patrick.  the the slut starts texting me trying to get me to turn against sasha, i was like yeah whatever. then she starts digging, and brings up the TJ bullshit. Says i DESERVED everything he did to me. I was fucking infuriated, how did she find out? so I text Matt about it and we kinda fought about it, he says just to ignore her and leave it alone, and all i want to do is pound her face in. which of course i wuldnt do, cause im not a fighter but still ya know? he tells me im being irrational (which i was) but tahts not what i wanted to hear. I wanted him to console me instead of tell me i was being childish. I didnt wat to ehar hey lets go hunt her down, i wanted to ehar hey its gonna be okay. so then he says hes really mad and shuts off his phone. I try my best to keep myself composed but fuck tahts hard when i already feel like breaking down. I start crying several times cause i cant get a hold of him and i think of the worst things that could happen. and so i freak myself out more. Matt finally calls and says hes going home early. Ron sends me home early cause i was crying. So i lay in bed till he gets home. We talk and everything is okay now though i still feel like crying. I really dont want to get on meds again, but maybe i should... I dunno. i cant control how i feel and im the kinda person led by my emotions so its really frustrating. I fucking hate being manic depressive, i cant seem to get myself out of this slump im in, and it makes me angry, sad, frustated, stressed. which just makes things worse. UGH!!!

This weekend has been so busy! Matt and I moved into our new apartment! its a cute little one bedroom. It took us 2 and a half days to get everything done but its perfect for us. Its just the 5 of us now, Matt, me, Alice, Toki, and snakeums. We had to go out and buy a mattress today. The old one flew out of te truck as we were going to our new place. we turned around to go get i, but ya know like on alien when the aliens burst out of someones chest and leaves a huge gaping hole? well thats what the mattress looked like HAHA! I was pretty upset but Matt laughed it off and made everthing all better. So as i was saying we went mattress shopping today, finished moving in, and now were enjoying our new home together.

Everything is going so fucking great. I havent been this happy in I dont know how long. Matt actually cares about what upsets me, about what makes me happy, just about me in general and that means so much. Im so damn lucky that he found me ^_^ like one of my favorite quotes. "I look at you and im home" (dory~finding nemo) Thats how i feel about him. He makes me feel safe, happy, loved, wanted, and so much more. I have trouble telling him sometimes, just cause i get all teary eyed and i hate to cry in front of anybody. He really does mean the world to me, I dont know what I'd ever do without him now that i have him in my life. BABY I LOVE YOU! I hate it when we have our little tiff's like today at target we fought over milk. we both laughed afterwards but at the time we were both tired, hungry, sore, stressed and just wanted to be done with moving. but there hasnt been a night that ive gone to bed sad or angry, i go to bed every night with a smile on my face knowing that everything is alright. We talk about everything and that really means a lot. I cant think of a time that we've actually fought and stayed mad at each other, we work things out before they escalate. Its only been 4 months, but it feels like a lot longer. I trust him with all my heart. so yeah totally went off on a random tangent abou how fantastic Matt is, but well he is! time for bed though, just wanted to let everyone know were in our new place finally! no more horrible roommates or screaming children!!!

So i wakeup late for work, rus out the door and speed to work and make it barely on time. I get to work chit chat with Ron for a min then get to work. so there i am cleaning the slicer and then i feel my finger hurt really bad. I sliced my fucking finger tip off!!! I run to the kitchen and rinse with cold water, it just keeps gushing out blood. i wrap it in paper towels and get dropped off at the hospital. I spend half an hour by myself sitting there bleeding. Then aunt mare gets there i go into triage to et my vitas taken and trade my papertowels in for some supposed non-stick guaze. non-stick my ass! that shit stuck just as bad as regular stuff. then i go back out into the waiting room for another hour. My honey is out there waiting for me. He acts like his usally butthead self and says things like hey lets get some finger foods for lunch or how about some chicken fingers? yeah hes a jerkface sometimes lol but he made me laugh. then i finally get called in to get treated. that takes another 2 hours for all that, having to keep answering my phone cause mom keeps calling every 5 mins to see if im okay. I get my finger cleaned, xrayed, and then bandaged. i got to eat some stale crackers, seriously do hospitals not check the experation date on thier crackers? then i get a vicodin and get to wait some more. I have to get a tetnus shot :( i hate shots. The uy wants to give me a DPT shot and i cant have that cause im allergic to the P part of it, it'll make me really sick or something. so i have to wait some more for the nurse to get the right vaccine. by that time im all woozy from the vicodin kicking in. so by i think 1230 im fially out of the hopsital and my Matt takes me home and gets me my favorite from arbys. mmm curly fries. so yeah this is how my weekend started how is everyone else's going?  

So my mikey is all fixed now. It turns out it was the spark plugs. thank god! otherwise id be sol cause i have like 0 money to my name. FUCK i hate being broke. oh woe is me lol. so i fixed my car 65$ out the door, well not totally fixed theres still the crack in the exhaust manifold which lowers my mpg, and makes my car sound like a go cart according to Matt.
Lets see... Matt and i are doing really good, 3 months as of yeserday. He took me out to breakfast, and then i went to work. came home wth a migrane, man i hate puking! My babes took care of me though. He such a sweetie! but SSHHH dont tell anyone cause he likes to pretend hes a badass ROFL. Were moving into a new apartment in Sept, im pretty excited. Its jsut gonna be me matt alice and snakeums. so it'll be all good.
Im slowly over coming my horrendous fear of snakes. Matt's snake isnt giving me much of an option on it. he like to be by someone on the bed, which happens to be me 90% of the time. so my heart no longer races and i dont get the sweats, though i am still really jumpy. Freaks me the fuck out when he touches my feet. so yeah thats whats going on here.  
Oh matt and i have been plaing this new game that isnt supposed to be released till like sept, its called aion. were playing on a chinese server lol. ts okay, but i still like WOW better. But i cant convince matt to play with me :(

so lets see where to begin? with the car problems? sure why not. So Sunday i drive aunt mare and Maxx up to concho. Maxx is an annoying fuck the whole way. Then we get to mom's house. Mom mauls me, then smacks me for getting my tongue pierced. I wanted to elave by 4 but i knew there was no way that would happen. mom started crying cause i didnt want to stay for dinner. so i stayed for dinner which i had to fucking cook. Thn were sitting in the front room and mom asks me to sit with her cause shes missed me so i go along with it and then she woudnt fucking let me go for 45 mins. really pissed me off. then finally 630 rolls around i get out of her grasp and out the door. I go to show low fill up with gas which is really fucking expensive mind you. So then im driving and get to the globe side of the canyon and my check engine light comes on. i take it easy and get to globe check my car. no fucking oil in it. plus i only had 12 bucks on me, half that had to go to a quart of oil. I start back up on the road, and my car starts really acting up.if i had anyting besides the necesities running my car wouldlurch and the lights would dim. so i had to have no music and the windows down in fucking 90 degee weather. the engine begins whining and pulling like its not getting enough power. then i get to winkleman in the constructing zone, i have to stop for like 20 mins cause of the fucking delay. no cell reception, cant turn my stereo on, cant turn the ac on. its pitch black with no other cars around. i have a panic attack. go fucking figure. so i try my best to calm myself down. then the light turns green and i can get moving again. car whines and has issues all the way home. so i get home and im exhausted and go straight to bed. next day went pretty well, forgot to do laundry though so i have no fucking clothes for work. matt and i take our nap like we do every monday. i get up make dinner. then around 1 i go to bed. couldnt sleep. 230 had sex. still couldnt sleep. fell asleep somewhere around 330, but couldnt stay asleep. asshole jeremy texts me at 6am like he does every morning. ya know if its not important then dont fucking talk to me till at least 9am ok? so im awake and i realize how fucking hot it is. like im drenched in sweat hot. I go in the hall to check the ac, i turn it down to 75, nothing, 70, nothing,50, nothing. put it back up to almost 80 so no one bitches. then matt's awake and dusty knocks on the door. he says the ac is fucked up AGAIN. so here it is 730 in the fucking morning and its got to be at least 85 in the bedroom. matt goes and showers then its my turn, even the cold water was warm ugh. then i lay back in bed and let the fan blow on me. Dusty knocks again. The landlord found out about Alice being here FUCK! she says the cat cant stay. so that means ive got to bring her back to my apartment. wonderful. so this is how my weekend has been. and how my day has started. i cant wait to see whats wating for me at work. I swear if i have to deal with those super fucks who come in im going to snap! I just cant deal with people today. im hot, im in a bad mood, my car is fucked, and now im out of my favorite cereal. just wonderful.

hmm lets see where to start? this time last year i was living with Chris and worrying about whether or not i had leukemia. phew *wipes forehead* thank goodness i didnt. So much has happened since last year. I really think ive grown up a lot. My big girl panties are all ive got now lol. Ive got my own place, with a real lease and real bills. show low was a big step for me, but it wasnt quite right. but now im totally independent. Got my own place, pay my bills, pay mom's or aunt mare's bills when they need help. I actually have a stable healthy relationship... its so weird lol. He cares when something upsets me (ie him not going to the strip club cause i told him i was uncomfortable about it) he cares about what makes me happy ( he talked his roommates into letting me bring my cat over cause he didnt want me to bring my cat up to mom's cause he knows i didnt want to) he actually talks to me about stuff, he remembers my favorite things (made me a sandwich with havarti cheese My fave<3), he takes care of me( i was sick last week and he went and got me my favorite soup from the store at like midnight) I feel so comfortable and safe with him, which of course sets off my little red flags, cause something bad always happens when i let my guard down. Like that one quote " Love is giving someone the power to break your heart but trusting them not to" I really think he could be it, my Matt. He's got a past but so do i, hell no ones perfect. We all have our secrets, but its accepting someone for who they are, flaws and all, loving someone for their whole being not just the good. thats what counts. I really do love him, i cant see myself without him. yeah i know, im setting myself up for heartbreak right? i just only hope this time its for real, how many times can a heart be broken before its gone? ive given matt my beaten, scarred, bruised heart and hope that it is enough. only time will tell.

k so Matt wants to go to the strip club tomorrow night... and i really really really REALLY dont want him to go. I HATE strip clubs, its a sespool of undesirable skanks. yeah they have big tits and can bend over backwards, but once you get them in the bedroom its like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Plus these women have no self respect or respect for the partners of them men they are grinding up on. honestly if he goes and then comes home covered in glitter and smelling like a french whore im going to flip out. Fuck i can go to the craft store cover myself in glitter, spray a whole bottle of cheap kmart perfume on myself, wear nothing but a smile, and play horrible music and we can have the same effect at home for way cheaper. cant vent on myspace cause then he'll read it, so im spilling my heart out to you LJ! So what to do?! i threatened him with going to the dance club with a friend of mine that he hates, and that seemed to sway him, what he doesnt know is i'll wear the sluttiest thing i own and make him feel just as uncomfortable as i do about him going to the skank swamp. Plus i know he'll wea one of his strip-tees. one says "why lie i need a stripper" and the other says "i want you to strip" like the old recruiting posters. so yeah pretty perturbed.

So Here i sit, my 20th birthday and not a friend in sight. pretty fucking pathetic huh? And Kip refuses to be with me on my bday. he has his "class" its fucking counseling he just tries to rectify it. So here i am all by myself. I had a good dinner and cake though. yellow curry chicken and veggies and then tiaramisu for my cake. I guess i should be happy that i have my family at least but hell i wish there was more. Jordan chris and matt called last night to wish me a happy b day, and sasha texted me. tyra called earlier today. and thats all folks. I thought i had more friends than that, guess not. Im so depressed and i just want to hurt myself, to cut to carve to bleed to feel something more than this cold numb of depression. Im almost to the point where i wouldnt cry if Kip ended things and thats not good. Being emotionally numb is a bad thing. FUCK FUCK FUCK! If only i could find someone like me, who gets all the strange things i do. like Jordan, her and i both have raize and the realms to contend with, i wish i could find someone else who saw what we did, someone who could be my special one, not just a close friend.

so i havent heard from michael since he got arrested on the 10th... his dad wont talk to me or call me back. Then Matt Fish texts me and is upset that i didnt tell him about dating michael. Apparently matt has feelings for me, and i really do like him too, but i have feelings for michael too... so i dont know what to do.. Michael makes me happy, at least when hes around. but matt is great too, and he can actually offer me a life. Michael is in trouble with the law, has issues (but so do i), doesnt have a job, and dropped out of school... Matt has an $18 an hour job, a place of his own, hes going to college and is almost done, hes got a car, and a good head on his shoulders... why do affairs of the heart have to be so hard? my head tells me to do the smart and safe thing, but my heart is still in limbo... what do i do?

so today has been pretty rad i'd have to say... Hung out with michael... hes pretty awesome.. played guitar for me and everything, it was pretty great.. hes so damn cute too! and really soft lips.. so yeah were kinda together now... but its on the dl atm, dont need chris finding out and fucking flipping out on me, and hes got an ex thats the same way, but its all good, were just being chill and lax about it.. hmm so yeah guess thats all for now... <3 karah mia

Well guess i should update on the whole surgery thing... it went well, i guess my ovary and my tubes were all bunched and notted together, and if i hadn't of had the operation i wouldn't have been able to have kids, but its all good now... Chirs and i split up, well i had to explian to him exactly what going on a "break" meant.. Ugh he tried fucking me last night, i really didnt want to... i was mean and kinda led him on, but when i said stop, he still kept trying... so i told him my cervix still hurt, cause the doc dialated it when i had my operation. I carved into my leg lastnight, "FAKE" thats a new one, i think... but thats exactly what i was being... well guess i'll write later, im hungry and ive gotta shoower for work...